42 and Counting: Why I’m Celebrating Another Year

As I approach my 42nd birthday this week, I do so as a survivor of congenital heart disease, depression, and anxiety. I am glad to be alive for if my suicide attempt twenty-six years ago had been successful, I would have missed my sisters’ weddings, the birth of their children, meaningful friendships, and life-changing theatre experiences.

 

I will soon turn the same age my older sister, Jennifer, was when she passed in 2016. The reminder initially saddened me, but then hope led to clarity. My sister is gone, her spirit on to new adventures (and visiting my dreams); I can’t change the past. I can’t go back and say, “I love you. I believe in you. I am proud to be your sister.” I can only hope she knows, and honor her by living my life with intention.

 

I’m more present now than I’ve been in quite a while, aware of moments I once looked passed. I feel this deeply-rooted need to celebrate life and my presence in it. I’m excited to grow in age, and smile when people find out I’m ten years older than I look. I’m moving forward towards an unknown future, and doing so with clarity and confidence guiding my steps.

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My sister’s life ended before she saw all her dreams come to fruition. She never got to be an FBI agent, move to Edinburgh and give history tours, or see a Democratic woman elected president. Jennifer was a beautiful, fierce, independent spirit for as long as I can remember and I have no doubt she still is wherever she now travels.

 

I have so much more I want to do and see before I meet her again; genealogy tours of Ireland and Czechoslovakia, publish my novel and be part of its transfer to the big/small screen, fall in love, form an arts non-profit organization, etc. There are many more goals I’d like to achieve before my spirit joins my sister’s. As I ponder the fact that Jen never made it to 43, I’m determined to live the heck out of this 42nd year!

 

I’ll start living this re-energized life this weekend as I celebrate my birthday with good friends, tons of food, and family. We’ll laugh and enjoy one another’s company. What more could I ask for now and in the future? That night, House Deeny will say “goodbye” and “Thank you” to the TV masterpiece that is Game of Thrones. For those who know me well, me throwing a GoT viewing party is not a surprise; I am an entertainment girl at heart and spirit. The arts helped me survive open heart surgery and depressive states – they matter to me and I celebrate them.

 

My interests are many – my passions strong. I love immensely and cautiously. I am more than my obstacles, or the gifts I use to overcome them. I am proud of the woman I’ve become and the artistic spirit within!

Motivational Monday Poem: An Aunt’s Perspective

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Confidence with each step

Head held high

Shoulders straight, eyes forward

Four years in age

With a soul wise beyond her years

 

Freedom, joy, inquisitiveness

A sharp mind, fierce spirit

A star shining bright

Through the sun-soaked sky

 

To have but an ounce

Of such confidence and knowing

As middle age nears,

Would clear a vision clouded by second-guessing

 

Awake, worn soul

Guided by the child within

Move forward with your head held high

And confidence in each of your steps.

2020 Vision: A Letter to Me, Myself, and I

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

 

I am one who frequently looks backs – sometimes (in the case of genealogy research) looking back is helpful and necessary. In most instances, spending time questioning and worrying over what has come to pass only hinders my movement forward.

2019 will be a year of looking ahead, not back – moving forward, not retracing steps. My lack of writing motivation ceased with the new year’s arrival, and I decided to be my own motivation. I sat at my kitchen table, coffee in one hand and a pencil in the other, and wrote myself a letter with the purpose of sealing it until January 1st, 2020.

I’ve decided to share the letter with you all for two reasons;

  • To challenge myself to hold to the promise I made – keeping moving forward
  • As possible motivation/inspiration for others; what would your 2020 Vision Letter look like?

It’s time to publish my novel (after nearly 10 years of “editing”), challenge preconceived notions, and allow confidence to guide my movements. Click on the link below to see the letter in full!

Dear Kelly 2020

 

Thanks for sharing in this journey with me so far – here’s to a new year and new possibilities!

Motivational Monday Poem: Writer’s Train

Language speeding past

In a blend of light and sound

Energizing the artist on the Central platform

 

Hurried words without a plot

Poetry in motion

Song breaking barriers

Play, uncast

 

The singular artist

Absorbs, reflects, and absorbs

The mind electric and the body tingling

Ready to board the train

Not as a passenger, but a conductor

 

Driven by motivation

Guided by artistry

Off to destinations

Not yet travelled.

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Sunday SoulJourn: Anger, Be Gone

I consider myself a mostly congenial person and yet I’ve allowed anger to fester within me since the morning of November 9th, 2016.  There’s much to be angry about: bigotry, prejudice, the shift to an Environmental “Non-Protection” Agency, separation of families, sexual harassment and assault, and inequality based on gender, skin color, and/or orientation. The utter lack of decency and common sense infused into our policies and conversation sickens me in mind, body, and spirit. I feel dirty, like the stain of injustice won’t ever come clean.

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I spoke up and out, marched in protests, carried frustration and disbelief in my heart. I questioned friendships, faith, and the sanity of our nation. I wished for things to be different; for supporters of the White House’s policies and beliefs to wake their spirits from the sleeping curse casted. I wanted…hoped…wished for people to change so we could resume a relatively peaceful cohabitation with one another and the planet we call Earth.

I’ve absorbed what I see and hear, feeling somehow it’s my life’s purpose to make things better; to reach out to all anger-tainted souls and give them a virtual hug but how/where/when do I begin? It’s overwhelming in retrospect to hold such high expectations/assumptions of responsibility. I think of it as follows:

“How do I counter all the hate, fear, violence, and bigotry flowing through America’s veins like a contaminated river? I add droplets of hope, kindness, and compassion but they quickly get stuck in the pollution, drowning.”

My mind swam as I rested my head for a good night’s sleep last evening, plagued with disillusionment, and I thought “Hate, fear, anger – you are not welcome here!” I raised my hands towards the ceiling, calling upon that which is energy true – my spirit’s monologue. My hands pulsated with heat as I stretched them high in the lightless room, envisioning streams of compassion and grace reaching the crevices of a hate-filled heart. I poured out my heart with words pure of truth, cleansed my soul, and cleared my mind of anger’s weight.

I woke invigorated, with the knowledge that I can only change that which I control – my own thoughts and actions. Anger, fear, and disillusionment remain but they are mere reminders of what is true…they do not define me either in mind, body, or soul. I move forward with both my head and spirit lifted, outstretching hands as I go.

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Motivational Monday Poem: Hands of Bravery

Calling out through intentional noise

Voices strained yet speaking truth to power

Silence attempts speak volumes

Staining the souls of the perpetrators

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Awoke, arisen, aware of baseless prejudice

Bravery in the face of ignorance

Courage moving us all forward

Destiny guided by hands once bound by intimidation

 

You are heard

You are valued

You are supported

You are believed!

Motivational Monday Poem: Water Fall

 

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Nourishing the body

Cleansing the soul

Water both heals and harms

  

Washes away sins perceived and actual

Unlearned lessons replacing the empty space

Melts away the layer of anger and vengeance

Oozing from an emerald past unseen

 

Quenches the thirst for medicinal healing

While unwittingly spreading disease

Removes a dirtied film

Which hides the beauty beneath

 

Nurtured by science and spirit

Water falls in torrents, waves, and streams

Revealing Her pain, calling for aid,

And awakening spirits.

An Artistic Spirit’s Review of BROTHERS ON LIFE by Matt Czuchry and Mike Czuchry

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I readily (pun intended) admit that I ordered my copy of BROTHERS ON LIFE simply because I appreciate the acting work of half the writing duo, and yet when I closed the book I came away with a newfound respect for both of the gifted artists. The finished work of art is one I highly recommend due to its raw emotion, insightful perspectives, and exquisite use of language.

 

The soul-searching work of Matt Czuchry and Dr. Mike Czuchry connects with me on an artistic-spirit level (utilizing the creative arts as a form of spiritual exploration) and as I absorbed the lines on each page it was as though my spirit remained fixed in time and place while simultaneously soaring.

 

Memorable pieces

  • “Deities” inspires my ongoing spiritual quest, an exploration which began with religion doctrine but crafted my essence through spirituality’s questions

  • “A Thousand Dreams” connects with my artistic side, a lifelong love affair with creativity but a future veiled by doubt

  • “Pathways” unites the artist and spirit, a reminder that I must keep moving forward

  • “Connected” represents to me the journey of souls and their mates – a love that links in ways unseen yet known.

  • My spirit danced in rhythm with the scribes’ creations, but it stilled to a spotlight ballet when I read “Paint on Windows”; I thought of the physical scar left from congenital heart surgery and the spiritual inquisitiveness which blossomed as I aged. I pictured my own nieces and nephews, their hands joined with mine and the never-ending love which guides us all.

Coincidence it is not that I received the book a day after what would have been my big sister’s 45th birthday – my love for her grows every day though her spirit has hopefully moved on from being at peace to soaring over the Celtic lands of our ancestors. I felt her with me as I journeyed through the poetry and imagined she stood over my shoulder so that we could share the experience together.

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The three eldest Deeny girls as we greet our youngest sister.

I undoubtedly believe that art is meant to be shared; one art form inspiring another. The following poem is my way to say “Thank you” to the brothers Czuchry for crafting a collection of art which will live on in mind, body, and spirit.

 

Words chosen

Whether intentionally or cosmically

Matter to the one holding the pen

And the other, the finished creation

 

Moving you to tears,

Or heart-driven action

The worlds that float from the page

Keep you moving forward

 

The vessels of language

Let the artistic spirit soar unencumbered

Through imagination, passed philosophy,

And embracing the soul with creativity’s kiss.

 

**DISCLAIMER: No endorsement by any of the persons, names, or entities mentioned above is intended nor implied.**

Motivational Monday Poem: The Scribe’s Veil

 

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Eliciting fear

Cast in the shadows of the elders

Lies dormant a past

Best kept at bay

 

Memories hidden

By those who intentionally forgot

The lessons never meant to learn

 

They cloud your vision

Like dusk’s fog on nature’s field

Keeping you immobile in time and place

 

A savior unseen clears the path

With each stroke of the pen

Writing the way forward

Through the wisdom of those who walked ahead.

Motivational Monday Poem: A Storied Spirit

MM photo_Storied Spirit

 

Rise, Sweet Spirit

And tell us your story

Through sound, color, and motion

 

Dance, Artistic Spirit

To a rhythm only you can feel

Caressing the air

Leaving traces of beauty behind

 

Love, Worn Spirit

With all the passion deep inside

Connecting to spirits unknown and scarred

Embracing flaws as gifts

 

Rest, Beloved Spirit

Until a new journey begins

Acknowledge the past

Appreciate the present

Welcome the future.