DAY 12: Distressed Whole
Ever feel like you’re immersed in a world so distressed that no amount of love, joy, positivity, compassion, wisdom, acceptance, or hope you exude can make an impact? That’s what depression feels like.
I look at the world around me and I see anger, hatred, bigotry, violence, cruelty, and social injustice. I want so much to help but don’t know where or how to even begin. Sometimes, I feel like a drop in the ocean, a leaf on the wind, a star in a cloud-filled night sky. It’s not a world in which I want to live at times because I don’t know how to change it. That perception keeps me spinning into despair and swimming upstream.
I frequently became frustrated and ashamed as though I was broken. Others in my life experienced far worse and didn’t wallow in despair – didn’t get swallowed up in doubt. I did, time and time again. Yesterday, tears streamed down my face when I thought about how distressed the world is and how alone I feel in my perception of it. I started writing and a sob caught in my throat when I stared at the following declaration:
I can’t fix the whole.
I’ve spent so much time trying to make a positive difference in the world. I thought that if I believed strongly enough in others ability to do good, then that was enough. The problem was that I didn’t believe enough in myself. So, when tragedy happened again and again I felt as though I’d failed. That I couldn’t fix the whole.
Is it really any wonder that life became unbearable sometimes? That self-doubt, debilitating sadness, and loneliness overwhelmed me? I see it now, and understand my past actions in a way I never had before. Like a morning mist dissipating, the haze clears and the truth remains: I can’t fix the whole world, but I can be wholly proud of myself.
*If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, please know you are not alone! So many people love you and want desperately to help. Believe in yourself and know that you bring beauty to this world just by living in it.*
Kelly Deeny 