I am not as good of a writer as I like to think I am.
– Kelly Deeny, 2023
I made that assertion within the past year, and it has yet to be disproved. Today, I excited (tentatively) read the notification from a book contest I’d entered earlier this year and discovered my novel was not selected as one of the winners. My heart sank into my stomach. Tears welled. Doubt crept in once again. I restated the above assertion with more ferocity: “I am NOT as good of a writer as I like to think I am.”
Yes, yes, I know that judging is subjective, and I shouldn’t take critique so personally. Knowing it and believing it are two different actions. I’ve struggled with self-doubt, caring far too much about other people’s opinions. The people pleaser part of me yearns to be seen and accepted, especially my art. For my art is crafted from my spiritual core which is why I call myself an artistic spirit.
I do not aim to be a critic’s darling, but I do wish to have my work valued and even treasured. I want a reader (who’s not friend nor family) to find it worthy enough to share with others. I admit that I envisioned THE SPIRIT PROJECTOR to have been embraced by a select, yet loyal, few who championed it through word of mouth. However, in the three years since THE SPIRIT PROJECTOR debuted to the public, it has received sparce praise (even among friends and family). There are those who’ve kindly taken the time to rate/review it on book sites, which I greatly appreciate. The book has not received harsh criticism (which I greatly appreciate), but the lack of word-of-mouth tells me far more: it’s just not as good as I initially thought it was when I self-published.
Every time I read the finished product I catch a typo, plot inconsistency, lack of character development, and even telling instead of showing. I see the glaring issues like a neon sign alerting me to its flaws: NOT GOOD ENOUGH! The evident faults crack my confidence until I lose interest in writing the debut’s sequel. Do I fix the first one before completing the second? Do I focus on making the second better than the first? Do I just give up on the YA trilogy altogether and move on to a genre or style that fits my talent level? I’m probably overthinking and being far too critical of myself, but I’m also attempting to be more pragmatic – not so easy for this introverted dreamer!
The act and art of writing connects me to something bigger than the here and now while also grounding me in the present. This dichotomy keeps me moving forward when self-doubt spreads its roots to hold me in place. No amount of low book sales will ever stop me from writing – it’s catharsis to my artistic spirit. Buuuut, having enough confidence to share my writing after this lackluster debut, well, that’s another story; one currently in development.
Kelly Deeny 